Family Counseling Ministries   -

In Article Dr. Dunlap examines the widespread resentment that many men feel because they have not forgiven their wives for offending them. He provides men with a list of 110 ways that wives typically hurt their husbands. He explains that it is necessary for a husband to specifically identify the areas in which his wife has hurt him, so that he can thoroughly forgive her before God. This list should only be used in preparation to forgive a wife. Any other use would be sinfully wrong.

Listed below are some of the offenses that wives typically commit against their husbands. As men read through this list, it is a good idea to check the items that apply to their individual situations. Then they should use those items as a guide to specifically forgive their wives.

 

I forgive my wife for:

___1. Expecting me to know what she needs without telling me

___2. Ignoring me

___3. Trying to be financially independent

___4. Not valuing my opinions

___5. Insisting on maintaining separate checking accounts

___6. Paying more attention to other people than to me

___7. Demonstrating greater loyalty to other people (children, parents, employer, friends, pastor, etc.) than to me

___8. Resisting my decisions in her heart

___9. Resisting my physical affection

___10. Making me feel guilty if I desire her sexually when she doesn’t desire me

___11. Being unresponsive to me sexually

___12. Withholding sex as a means of punishing me for my insensitivity or wrong behavior

___13. Taking my responsibilities into her hands in order to see to it that they get done

___14. Not respecting me as a person who is in a God-given position of authority over her

___15. Not respecting me as the God-given leader in our home

___16. Not expressing confidence in me when I make wrong decisions

___17. Not showing loyalty and support in spite of the wrong decisions I make

___18. Not appreciating me for the positive things that I do for her or for the family

___19. Not expressing enthusiasm for my achievements

___20. Being inattentive to me when I am talking

___21. Not taking care of her physical appearance and/or health

___22. Not being determined to develop a gentle and contented spirit, which God says is precious in His sight

___23. Failing to know or apply the biblical principles of appeal when she needs to appeal to me about certain situations

___24. Being unwilling to forgive me for past failures or hurts

___25. Being unwilling to explain her needs and fears without condemning me

___26. Being unwilling to define her responsibilities to me

___27. Discrediting or criticizing me to other people

___28. Failing to encourage me to spend time alone with the Lord

___29. Condemning me for not being the spiritual leader of our family and for not taking more spiritual responsibility

___30. Not understanding that a man’s need to spend time alone with God is not a rejection of her

___31. Being unwilling to learn contentment in her present circumstances

___32. Being ungrateful for each expression of my love or provision

___33. Not praising me for growth or achievement in areas where she wants me to improve

___34. Not visualizing how our marriage problems are helping her to achieve greater character and growth in her relationship with Jesus Christ

___35. Making sarcastic comments about me

___36. Insulting me in front of others

___37. Using careless words when she communicates with me

___38. Nagging me harshly

___39. Raising her voice at me

___40. Making critical comments that seem to have no basis

___41. Swearing at me or using foul language in my presence

___42. Correcting me in public

___43. Being tactless when she points out my weaknesses or blind spots

___44. Reminding me angrily that she warned me not to do something

___45. Having disgusted or judgmental attitudes

___46. Telling me how wonderful other men are and comparing me to them

___47. Being disrespectful to my family members and other relatives

___48. Coercing me into arguments

___49. Not praising me for something that I did well, even if I did it for her

___50. Treating me like a child

___51. Being unaware of my needs

___52. Not trusting me

___53. Not approving of what I do or how I do it in a general sense

___54. Not being interested in her own personal growth or spiritual growth

___55. Not giving me input when I really need it and ask for it

___56. Not telling me that she loves me in specific ways

___57. Having generally selfish and condemning attitudes

___58. Not attending church regularly

___59. Showing more excitement for work and other activities than for me

___60. Not being consistent with the discipline of the children

___61. Being unwilling to admit when she is wrong

___62. Being defensive when I point out one of her “blind spots”

___63. Being too busy with work and other activities

___64. Not allowing me to fail—believing that she always has to correct me

___65. Spending too much money and accumulating too much debt

___66. Not having a sense of humor and not being able to joke about things

___67. Not telling me how important I am to her

___68. Not defending me when someone else complains about me or tears me down, (especially if it is one of her relatives or friends)

___69. Not praising me to other people

___70. Ignoring my relatives and the people who are important to me

___71. Criticizing me behind my back. (This is especially painful for me if I hear about her criticism from someone else)

___72. Blaming me for the things in our relationship that are clearly her fault

___73. Becoming impatient or angry with me when I can’t keep up with her schedule or her physical stamina

___74. Acting as though she is a martyr if she goes along with my decisions

___75. Sulking when I challenge her comments

___76. Insisting upon lecturing me in order to convey the importance of her points

___77. Putting other things before me

___78. Showing more appreciation or admiration for other men than for me

___79. Criticizing or belittling my character or abilities

___80. Pushing me to do things that I think should not be done

___81. Making fun of my leadership (even in jest)

___82. Not seeking my advice or counsel on issues in her world

___83. Allowing trivial and non-essential discussions to become arguments

___84. Consistently complaining

___85. Honoring her parents above me

___86. Devaluing my input with the children

___87. Complaining about the time that I need with other men to pursue positive goals

___88. Being uninterested in my recreational interests

___89. Violating money management agreements

___90. Not generally admiring me as a man

___91. Not respecting my leadership

___92. Berating me for lack of spiritual leadership

___93. Not paying full attention while I am talking to her

___94. Interrupting me before she has heard me out

___95. Trying to get in the last word in order to win an argument

___96. Using statements such us, “You always…” and “You never…”

___97. Devaluing my vocation or work pursuits

___98. Failing to take care of her physical appearance

___99. Failing to assume her part of the responsibility to keep the house neat and clean

___100. Making fun of my physical appearance

___101. Not building me up and not encouraging me

___102. Not expressing a gentle and respectful spirit when we disagree

___103. Bringing up past failures and hurts

___104. Arguing with me or questioning me in front of the children

___105. Consistently putting the children’s needs before mine

___106. Keeping secrets from me and being untrustworthy

___107. Making excuses about the children’s disobedience

___108. Excessive spending and use of credit cards

___109. Forgetting things that matter to me

___110. Not praying for me

 

As husbands evaluate this list and begin to identify certain ways in which their wives have offended them, they should seek God’s grace to begin the forgiveness process immediately.

Dr. Don Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete library of Dr. Dunlap’s articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries. Family Counseling Ministries is a Christianity.com ministry Partner.